237 Reasons To Make Love

 

Remember on Cheers when Diane wrote a paper on Sam’s romantic history? Looking through it, Sam says, “she even managed to make my love life boring.”

 

Well, that’s what Meston and Buss have done in Why Humans Have Sex. Like all scholarly papers written by and for the so-called intelligentsia, this paper is long and dull, despite the topic. You can read sentences like this only so many times: “sex can be viewed as a fungible resource” or “the most comprehensive existing taxonomy, framed from a theoretical perspective of dispositional sexual motives”…. Yawn!

 

Like most academic research, this paper is flawed because the overwhelming majority of participants were college students, but that is a topic for another time. Of the 706 males and 1,287 females studied, the age range was 16 to 42, but 96 percent of them were between 18 and 22. Only 4 percent were married.

There are 237 reasons listed, and almost all of them are selfish and egocentric.

 

The most common reason was mere stress relief. “I wanted to release tension.” “I was bored.” “I hadn’t has sex in a while.”

The next most common reasons were for physical pleasure, but with a mine not yours attitude. “It feels good.” “It’s exciting and adventurous.” “I just wanted it.”

 

Then comes mere physical attraction. “The person had an attractive face.” “The person had beautiful eyes.” “The person flattered me.”

 

Then there’s simple curiosity. “I was curious about my sexual abilities.” “I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.”

 

Of course, there are reasons that just seem wrong by any standard. “I wanted to make my boyfriend jealous.” “I felt it was my duty.” “It was the only way my partner would spend time with me.” “My friends were having sex and I wanted to fit in.”

 

As a father of seven girls, these disturb me. “The person had taken me to an expensive dinner.” “I wanted to defy my parents.” “I needed another notch in my belt.” “I was competing with someone else to get the person.” “I wanted to impress my friends.” “The person had too much to drink and I was able to take advantage of them.” “I wanted to be popular.”

 

Finally, a heads up for parents: one of the most frequent reasons unmarried males had sex? “[She] wore revealing clothes.”

 

Something to think about the next time your daughter goes clothes shopping.

 

Photo credits: Cheers, Peggy Sue Got Married, The Flinstones.

Give Me A President Who Makes A Difference Where I Live: Part 1

Apparently there is going to be yet another presidential election this year. I started voting when  Carter beat Ford for the Oval Office, and while there have been men I have and desperately have not wanted as president, generally speaking POTUS makes little difference in what I do day-to-day. Real power for change or influence in America is in the Congress, so whether we have a Republican or a Democrat president is largely irrelevant.

Rather than all this yap yap yap about things presidents can’t control – jobs, the economy, Chick-Fil-A – I’d vote for a candidate who will make a stand on real issues that we all face every day, things that really matter, things that would make our daily lives much easier, much more satisfying.

Issue 1: Men Without Shirts

Even if we all looked more like this guy than John Candy, it's still gross.

There are no public situations where we should see a man without a shirt. The same laws that discourage women from walking around without shirts should apply to men. Why men think they can and should mow the lawn or play tennis  or drive around or sit around outside bare chested is beyond me. I won’t play shirts and skins basketball, because not only do you see sweaty men without shirts, they brush their hairy backs and greasy bellies against you, and it is sickening. There ought to be a law against it, with a president willing to enforce it.

Issue 2: Cheerleaders At Sporting Events

Down by 40 with two minutes to play, the girls with the too-short-skirts start chanting something about “we’re number one and we can’t be beat.” Or waiting for the first free throw of a two-shot foul, they go into their rebound, rebound routine. Learn the game, girls, pay attention. Those chants? What could be more ridiculous. Oh, yeah, spirit fingers. Cheerleaders are just in the way, a distraction, but not a good kind of distraction. Let them compete against other cheer teams all they want, or let them pole dance, which is the next logical step, just keep them away from the field, off the court and out of the stands. The games are good enough on their own.

Issue 3: Cell Phones In Movie Theaters

It was bad enough being dragged to the midnight premier of that vampire movie where people turn into big dogs, but having dozens of phone lights swirling around like 30-pound lightning bugs throughout the show was enough to make me wish I had a paint ball gun handy.  Phones in the theater ought to be like jumping onto the baseball diamond during a game – a large fine and a guaranteed night in jail. It would be easy to enforce. The offenders are the ones with the front half of their faces lit up.

_____

While waiting for Part 2, drop me a note. What real-life changes would like to see?

Sometimes Only A Brand Name Will Do (Just Ask Winston Churchill)

The TOMS shoes post got me thinking about name brands. In most cases, the known brand is not worth the extra money because most generic products are identical to and manufactured right alongside the more expensive ones. But aren’t there some things where only the brand name will do?

I have a few favorite brands, such as ConverseAll-Stars, Wilson tennis rackets, Levi’s Jeans, and Gibson Guitars. Right now I’m wearing Reeboks and Lee Jeans, because they were on sale. I play tennis with a Head racket, also on sale, and the guitar sitting next to me is a Johnson (a Johnson?) because who can afford to learn on a Gibson? In most things, it seems – clothes, groceries, most hygiene products – my loyalty is to price over brand.

But there are some things on which I do not skimp, just like Churchill having some things up with which he will not put….

In the kitchen, I only use Saladmaster cookware. It is simply the best and healthiest and cheapest way to cook, and the food tastes great because it loses so little nutrition.

Since 1977, all my cameras have been Canon. A friend loaned me a Canon AE-1 35 years ago and I was hooked for life. Even though Kelly’s wonderful Nikon Coolpix is on my desk at the moment, I would never purchase anything other than a Canon for myself.

My computer is a big ol’ HP, as are both monitors, the speakers and sub-woofer, the external hard drive, the wireless keyboard and the printer. I like HP, and likely will stay with the brand. Kelly, on the other hand, has a big ol’ iMac on her desk and a MacBook where ever she goes. She is pretty devoted, in the way raving lunatics are devoted, to the brand, and if I point out – logically and kindly – that she could have bought three computers like mine, or six times the computing power, for the same price, she starts acting all wonky, like all Apple people do when you use logic on them.

A recent preference is for Bose speakers. Over the last four years we’ve gotten the SoundDock, the SoundLink Wireless Mobile speaker, and the Quietcomfort 15 headphones. I’m telling you, you have never heard music until you put those babies on and flip the little switch. The sound is stunning and absolutely personal. Don't tell anyone, but sometimes I just put them on with the noise cancelling feature on so I get a little quiet time. Oh, and don't wear them while riding your bike.

I take generic medicine, when I take medicine at all, but if I have a cold, I rely on Vicks VapoRub. It’s the best.

I use regular Zest soap, and only Zest soap, in a bar, because I like being "zestfully clean," and I use Mennen Speed Stick, Unscented.

There are also some brands that I refuse to use. I don’t Google, for example. I don’t wear Old Navy or Aeropostale or Abercrombie, which is good, my children say, because I’m not cool enough. Which, I say, proves the point about that whole TOMS shoes scam.

How about you? What are your brand loyalties?

No Clothes And Other Warm Delights In Eureka Springs

Kelly’s childhood friend Penny is with us, making her annual summer visit. We’ve taken her to Silver Dollar City a time or two, to a llama farm, to Dolly Parton’s Stampede, and, of course, to Bass Pro Shop more times than I care to admit. This year, we decided on a day trip to Eureka Springs. If you have to go to Arkansas, and you can’t go to Hot Springs, that’s as good a place as any.

The first store we saw after parking was this one, which kind of worried the girls. I’m not sure which freaked them out more, the thought of them having to undress or the possibility of the grown-ups shedding their clothes, but it turned out to be a fun little shop.

Our purpose in going to Eureka Springs was the art, as there are several galleries with a fascinating mixture of textures and talents. None of them allow photographs, so you’ll have to take my word for it, but the art makes the drive worthwhile.

We have a more personal motivation, too, shown by this section of the mural above. One of Kelly’s relatives is a well-known artist who was instrumental in establishing the current artistic community in the area, but I will leave it to Kelly to tell that part of Louis Freund’s story.

The girls were more interested in the shopping, and there was no lack of variety there, everything from the extremely tacky to the lovely in clothing and jewelry, something for every price range, but most of it out of ours.

Libby found some bargains, getting a purse, several rings, a jewelry tray, a hair band and a leather bracelet for not much more than $20. She also found a friend roaming free in the store.

Along with a couple of cute rings, Aubrey also found a friend, but just like at home, their friends don’t really play well with each other. Luckily for us, these two girls enjoy the hunt in shopping, rather than just the buy. They are content to spend much of the day just looking.

Libby sometimes could not contain her squeals as we came upon yet another dress shop. Or a jewelry shop. Or a shoe shop. Or a t-shirt shop….

As for Kelly, this is either a yawn – as she was up most of the night before, grading before finals deadline – or a reaction to the price of something the girls wanted to do.

 Adorable, yes, but the hats didn’t make the trip back home with us. Too bad for the hats.

I told everyone that Eureka Springs is populated by all the ex-hippies who couldn’t afford to move to Boulder, but I was the only one who thought that was funny.

The girls tried everything, from the fun…. 

… to the fanatic. That’s a photo of Guy Fieri, who must have brought his RoadShow to Arkansas at some point. We are big fans of the Food Network. At least, we were before we got rid of television.

Of course, no trip would be complete without posting on Facebook that Kelly and 3 others are taking a rest stop at the Big Cedar Lodge….

Shirt Happens, I Guess

From a trip to Memphis. I love Memphis.

Can a guy have too many t-shirts?

A gift from Kelly.

I used to tease Kelly because she had 97 sweaters, but not now. One, she gave away many of her sweaters, and two, when I swapped winter clothes for summer clothes, my t-shirts didn’t all fit in my closet. Somehow I have 80 short-sleeved t-shirts and about a dozen with long sleeves. That seems like a lot.

I've seen the Everly Brothers live five times, and
named one child after them.

It is faded, but this one is autographed by Kristen Schlukebir.

To be fair, like Kelly and her sweaters, many of these shirts I’ve had more than 25 years. Several  were freebies from the blood center, where I’ve donate every eight weeks. Most are from discount racks and flea markets, because I don’t like paying more than $3 for a shirt. Quite a few were gifts. Some I wear just for sleeping, some I’ve never worn.

Being the Best Dad is easy when you have the best kids.

Some of the ones I don’t wear are my most prized, but I think I’ve made a mistake. For example, two of the girls were summering in another state on Father’s Day, so they sent this shirt with their hand prints on it, and two sisters added theirs. I was so proud I wanted to keep it forever, so rather than wearing it, it’s been in the back of my closet since 2005.

One of my favorite live bands, unfortunately disbanded.

The same for one of my Big Smith shirts. My son Bradley and I bought it together at one of their shows, but neither of us ever wore it. I finally put it on for one of the band’s last concerts, and now wear it regularly. Of course, when you have 80 shirts, regular doesn’t necessarily mean often.

December 8, 1990

Some of my favorite shirts have come from the John Lennon tribute concerts we have in our town, like this one that has an original image drawn by Lennon and used with Yoko’s permission. I guess I had 10 or so Lennon shirts, but I wore them out.

Lou Brock is my favorite of all time, Ozzie is high on the list.

So what would you do in my position? Would you cull some of the shirts, and if so, how would you decide which to give away?

My wife and two daughtes are listed on back.

Or are you in my position? Do you have a bunch of shirts you love but don’t wear? Do you have just a few that you wear out?

A cool gift from Libby.

I would like to know.

Signs That I Am Not Much Of A Man, Part 3 Of 3 (Unless I Think Of More Before Tomorrow)

I own a few hand tools, and a few power tools, all neatly arranged in the basement, but my skills are extremely limited. I can add the odd shelf in a closet or unplug the garbage disposal, but that’s as handy as I get. I wear gloves working in the yard because I don’t have calluses and I don’t like the dirt under my nails.

I don’t burp the alphabet nor expel gas around other people. I don’t chew tobacco. I don’t chew gum. I don’t chew ice. I chew with my mouth closed. I generally know which fork to use. I know what a ramekin is. I like to cook and love to bake. I mostly keep our kitchen clean, and our toilets, and our floors. I like to iron my own shirts. I like doing laundry, and would do Kelly’s if she let me.

I wear sweater vests because they are warm and I am cold most of the time. I haven’t been outside without wearing a shirt since 1976. I’ve been outside barefoot fewer than 7 times since sixth grade.

I dislike shaving, but dislike facial hair more. I squeeze toothpaste from the bottom, I don’t leave clothes on the bedroom floor, and I always, always, put the toilet seat back down.

I can do 200 pushups, but it takes me 40 days. I don’t watch scary movies, unless you count Pee-wee's Big Adventure as a scary movie.  The last time I arm wrestled, a 14-year-old girl beat me. I have trifocals. I don’t wear contact lenses because I can’t touch my eyes.

Read Part 1.

Read Part 2.

Shame On TOMS And The Shoes He Rode In On: Part 2

The daughter mentioned yesterday came home last weekend with a pair of TOMS knockoffs, cheap canvas summer shoes like the ones my mom used to buy for about $3. These new shoes look like TOMS, with the same soles and the same turned-over toe. The only thing missing is the feel-good-about-yourself blue label.

Before I finish that story, though, here’s one about my mom. My mother worked many years in a factory that made men’s clothing, sewing labels into men’s dress slacks. She would start the day with a pile of 700 labels and a pile of 700 pairs of pants, identical except for sizes. There would be 50 labels of some top designer brand sold exclusively in high-end men’s stores. There would be 50 labels each for the most expensive house brands sold at stores like Macy’s and Nordstrom and Bloomingdale’s. There would be 200 labels for the top brands at Sears and JC Penney. The rest were for pants sold at Walmart and Kmart.

Different labels, same pants. Same pants, different labels. See where I’m going with this?

Our daughter paid less than $20 for her generic shoes, which means that the manufacturer and the store are both making money at less than $10 per shoe. So how much is TOMS making, even after giving a pair away?

It appears TOMS spends around $2 to have a shoe made, so do the math. The Classic sells for $54, other styles for $74. If they are spending $4 for the pair you buy and $4 for the pair they give away, that leaves $46 for TOMS. They’ve given away 1M pairs, so that mean’s they’ve made $50,000,000 or so doing it.

Give away $4 M, keep $50M? That isn’t especially noble. It's a pitch.

Why not buy a $20 pair of shoes for yourself, and a decent $20 pair for a child in a shelter near where you live. You just saved $14, and that ought to buy you some legitimate self-esteem.


Read Part 1.

Read When Only A Name Brand Will Do.

Shame On TOMS And The Shoes He Rode In On: Part 1

One of our daughters has asked for a pair of TOMS shoes, but she has no justification when I ask why. “They are cool,” she says, which means that her friends are wearing them and she wants to keep up. “They are really comfortable,” she says, but so are socks, which are cheaper and just as sturdy as TOMS. “If we buy a pair, a poor child gets a pair,” she counters, desperate, as if there is something noble in this.

Buying TOMS is not noble, and One for One is a gimmick, a sucker game.

The average price for TOMS Classic is $54, and $74 for the other, more, um, fashion savvy styles, all of which have that cool label on the back.

What you’re paying for isn’t the label, but what the label represents: “I care more than you.”

It’s like wearing a ribbon for the latest fad cause. We feel better about ourselves and we think we look good in front of our friends because we wear a ribbon, rather than actually doing some actual work to help actual people.

Don’t get me wrong. Shoes are a good idea, and wearing shoes protects the health of children, but these are not good shoes: comfortable, maybe, but only while they last. You couldn’t scuff around in the poor streets of Ethiopia – where the shoes are made, there and China – or Honduras or Zambia for long.

“TOMS has given 1,000,000 pairs of new shoes to children in need around the world,” which is good, but it’s no different from cigarette companies and oil companies and pharmaceutical companies donating tiny amounts of their ill-gotten billions to charity.

The giving is a smoke screen, a sucker’s game. Don’t fall for it.

Tomorrow? Part 2….

And When Only A Name Brand Will Do.