Who Dropped Mayo On My Burger?
How is it that mayonnaise has become the default condiment on hamburgers? Go to a fast food joint, go to a nice sit-down place, you get mayo on your burger. Ask for a burger without mayo, you wait longer, then you have to scrape it off before you eat it anyway.
Hey, this is America. This is the land of freedom, built on opportunity, hard work, and mustard and ketchup on hamburgers. You want mayo on a burger, go to France, or Belgium, or California.
An Offer I Wouldn't Refuse
A little girl and her mother came to my door today, selling overpriced junk from slick catelogues that net little profit for her school. I know it is junk and I know it is overpriced because all 8 of my kids have sold it.
I know they need the money, but frankly, I’m weary of paying $16 for $2-worth of candy or coffee cups or wrapping paper and the school only getting $4.
Why not try this: “Sir, I could show you this flashy booklet of way too expensive stuff you really don’t need, but if you just give me a check for $10 made out to our school, it will cost you less and we’ll have more profit to buy our new playground. Is that a deal?”
Now, I’d do that.
Calling The IRS
There are things I’d rather do than call the IRS, especially during tax season: root canal, help an old woman move, eat a tomato, have a mammogram, watch a Twilight movie….
But call them I did. I arranged a number of chores to do while holding the phone, knowing I would be on hold for a while. I changed shoes, unloaded the dishwasher, swept out the kitchen, got online for a recipe for homemade weed killer, mixed up two batches and poured it on our walkway, took photographs of the blooming trees in our front yard and back yard, and cleaned out the fridge.
All the while, a scratchy recording of some obscure piano tune, obviously written by some bored sadist with tenure at the IRS, cycled over and over, and over.
The woman who finally answered was polite, eager to help, and efficient, thank you very much.
Not too bad, as these things go, and certainly better than a call to, say, Microsoft technical support, or the phone company.
That's Not America
No matter what you hear on CNN, whatever did or did not happen, George Zimmerman is not America.
Come to think of it, CNN isn't America, either.
How Could I Possibly Have A Boyfriend?
One of our younger daughters is in between middle school boyfriends, having lost some phone privileges due to some late-night texting with her last one.
So far she’s been pretty good at talking to her mother about boys and that part of her life, so after hearing one particular boy mentioned too many times and seeing his face a lot on Facebook, Kelly asked, “Do you have a new boyfriend?”
The daughter gave her mother that disdainful look that girls that age have mastered, and said, “How could I possibly have a boyfriend when I don’t even have a phone?”
You Gotta Love Texas Women
In Stephen King’s 11/22/1963, a Texas woman says, “I’d hate to think our whole planet was being judged by Texas.”
Personally, I love Texas, or at least, I love Texans, or at least, I love Texan women. Here’s why.
I used to work the arts and crafts circuit, selling jelly or tire swings all around the country, from Albany to Albuquerque, Denver to Daytona, Kalamazoo to, well, nothing compares to Kalamazoo.
Of all these, my favorite place to go was Dallas, and I did a lot of shows there and all over Texas.
When people would ask who to make the check out to, I would tell them to just leave it blank, I’d fill it in later. Then I’d say, "in fact, just leave the amount blank. I’ll fill that in, too,” which always got a laugh.
In Dallas, though, and only in Dallas, out of hundreds of other towns, women would look at me, hand me a signed, blank check, and say thank you.
I know they need the money, but frankly, I’m weary of paying $16 for $2-worth of candy or coffee cups or wrapping paper and the school only getting $4.
Why not try this: “Sir, I could show you this flashy booklet of way too expensive stuff you really don’t need, but if you just give me a check for $10 made out to our school, it will cost you less and we’ll have more profit to buy our new playground. Is that a deal?”
Now, I’d do that.
Calling The IRS
There are things I’d rather do than call the IRS, especially during tax season: root canal, help an old woman move, eat a tomato, have a mammogram, watch a Twilight movie….
But call them I did. I arranged a number of chores to do while holding the phone, knowing I would be on hold for a while. I changed shoes, unloaded the dishwasher, swept out the kitchen, got online for a recipe for homemade weed killer, mixed up two batches and poured it on our walkway, took photographs of the blooming trees in our front yard and back yard, and cleaned out the fridge.
All the while, a scratchy recording of some obscure piano tune, obviously written by some bored sadist with tenure at the IRS, cycled over and over, and over.
The woman who finally answered was polite, eager to help, and efficient, thank you very much.
Not too bad, as these things go, and certainly better than a call to, say, Microsoft technical support, or the phone company.
That's Not America
No matter what you hear on CNN, whatever did or did not happen, George Zimmerman is not America.
Come to think of it, CNN isn't America, either.
How Could I Possibly Have A Boyfriend?
One of our younger daughters is in between middle school boyfriends, having lost some phone privileges due to some late-night texting with her last one.
So far she’s been pretty good at talking to her mother about boys and that part of her life, so after hearing one particular boy mentioned too many times and seeing his face a lot on Facebook, Kelly asked, “Do you have a new boyfriend?”
The daughter gave her mother that disdainful look that girls that age have mastered, and said, “How could I possibly have a boyfriend when I don’t even have a phone?”
You Gotta Love Texas Women
In Stephen King’s 11/22/1963, a Texas woman says, “I’d hate to think our whole planet was being judged by Texas.”
Personally, I love Texas, or at least, I love Texans, or at least, I love Texan women. Here’s why.
I used to work the arts and crafts circuit, selling jelly or tire swings all around the country, from Albany to Albuquerque, Denver to Daytona, Kalamazoo to, well, nothing compares to Kalamazoo.
Of all these, my favorite place to go was Dallas, and I did a lot of shows there and all over Texas.
When people would ask who to make the check out to, I would tell them to just leave it blank, I’d fill it in later. Then I’d say, "in fact, just leave the amount blank. I’ll fill that in, too,” which always got a laugh.
In Dallas, though, and only in Dallas, out of hundreds of other towns, women would look at me, hand me a signed, blank check, and say thank you.
You Kids Get Outta My Yard
They all do it. Kids. Old people. Dog walkers. Joggers. Parents. Even bike riders.
We live on a corner lot on a street leading to two schools, so we get lots of foot traffic. Almost all of these people cut the corner off the sidewalk, right across our yard, and literally right outside my window.
I hate to think that I’ve become one of those “you kids get out of my yard” guys, but this seems pretty thoughtless of the kids and downright rude for the adults. Would it kill them to walk that extra six feet and make the right angle turn? And aren’t the joggers cheating themselves by cutting the corner?
Then there's the dog walkers. Sometimes I’m tempted to follow them home and take a dump on their yard, just to make it even.
Repel Those Pesky Mosquitoes This Summer
There are mosquitoes buzzing outside my window. Here are some healthier options to repel the little suckers, from Dr. Joseph Mercola.
Wipe yourself, your clothes and your babies with fabric softener sheets.
Take a vitamin B-1 supplement each day until October.
Don’t eat bananas until October.
Vick's Vaporub® drives them away. And probably your spouse, too.
Avon Skin-So-Soft® bath oil mixed half and half with rubbing alcohol keeps them away. Mosquitoes, not spouses.
Try clear liquid vanilla mixed with olive oil on your skin. Your spouse might come back.
At home, plant marigolds around your yard.
It's A Scholarship Program. Yeah, yeah....
One of the 14-year-olds, searching for YouTube beauty tips and fabulous faces for her Pinterest
board, says to her mother:
“You know, it isn’t always the prettiest girl who wins these beauty pageants.”
“Oh, I know,” says the mom, a former pageant winner herself, “it’s also about talent and poise and smarts, not just looks.”
“Oh man,” shrugs the daughter, “why do they take away the one thing I have a shot at….”
Skinny Is Better Than Smart
Cultural Literacy
Cultural literacy?
Sitting in the break room, two college-aged young men were watching late-night reruns on TV. "Hey look, man," one says to the other, "Jennifer Aniston was in a TV show...."
26 Million Lady Gaga Fans Can't Be Wrong
I don’t do Twitter, but apparently other people do.
How is it that Ashton Kutcher has 11 million followers? Are there that many people with absolutely nothing to do? I mean, don’t they have cable?
Of course, Kutcher doesn’t have as many followers as Oprah (12 M), and the two of them together don’t have as many as Lady Gaga (26 M).
I just don’t get it. Justin Bieber has 24,000,000 followers and the Dalai Lama has just 66,000. I’ve never heard either of them sing, but I can’t imagine there’s that much difference.
Helicopters And Careers And Canfield
The two hospitals near me use helicopters for emergencies, so helicopters are flying overhead all the time. They are sleek and fast and perfectly designed for what they do, but I watched one land today. As it got close, as it slowed, it suddenly seemed bulky, awkward and ridiculously heavy.
It made me think of a fish on the sidewalk. In water, in its element, a fish is effective and efficient, successful. But take it out of the water, just a little way out of the water, and the fish
struggles, gives up, then dies. Eventually.
Sound familiar? Feel familiar?
Perhaps one reason so many people seem so unhappy with their careers is that they are not doing the work they are designed to do – they are not doing what they are naturally good at.
"What we must learn to do is invest most of our time every day, every week, in what we do best, and let others do what they do best," says Jack Canfield in The Power of Focus.
Otherwise, we feel bulky, awkward and ridiculously heavy.
Celebrity Not What It Used To Be, I Guess
At the ballpark, the JumboTron showed a black and white
yearbook photo of a young man, with Guess Who? written in big letters.
I had no idea who, and cared little, but I happened to look up just as they gave the answer.
Next to the old photo was a current color photo of a similar looking man and his name, Kid Rock.
And I still didn’t know. Who?
Poor Baseball Players
The baseball player on the radio was complaining about the logistics of his trade to a MLB team in a distant city. Last-minute travel was such a hassle, he said, rushing off to the airport with little time to prepare. He complained about having to stay in a hotel for several weeks while he found a suitable house in just the right suburb.
Now, here’s a young man making just under $2,000,000 a year. No matter where he lives, he is on the road for half of his professional season, which lasts only six months of the year, so how is one more first-class flight all that horrible? The poor guy has to somehow manage on more than $100 a day meal allowance. Isn’t that more than many Americans earn for working hard all day?
Next thing you know, he’ll be whining because he has to play baseball on Labor Day.
We live on a corner lot on a street leading to two schools, so we get lots of foot traffic. Almost all of these people cut the corner off the sidewalk, right across our yard, and literally right outside my window.
I hate to think that I’ve become one of those “you kids get out of my yard” guys, but this seems pretty thoughtless of the kids and downright rude for the adults. Would it kill them to walk that extra six feet and make the right angle turn? And aren’t the joggers cheating themselves by cutting the corner?
Then there's the dog walkers. Sometimes I’m tempted to follow them home and take a dump on their yard, just to make it even.
Repel Those Pesky Mosquitoes This Summer
There are mosquitoes buzzing outside my window. Here are some healthier options to repel the little suckers, from Dr. Joseph Mercola.
Wipe yourself, your clothes and your babies with fabric softener sheets.
Take a vitamin B-1 supplement each day until October.
Don’t eat bananas until October.
Vick's Vaporub® drives them away. And probably your spouse, too.
Avon Skin-So-Soft® bath oil mixed half and half with rubbing alcohol keeps them away. Mosquitoes, not spouses.
Try clear liquid vanilla mixed with olive oil on your skin. Your spouse might come back.
At home, plant marigolds around your yard.
It's A Scholarship Program. Yeah, yeah....
One of the 14-year-olds, searching for YouTube beauty tips and fabulous faces for her Pinterest
board, says to her mother:
“You know, it isn’t always the prettiest girl who wins these beauty pageants.”
“Oh, I know,” says the mom, a former pageant winner herself, “it’s also about talent and poise and smarts, not just looks.”
“Oh man,” shrugs the daughter, “why do they take away the one thing I have a shot at….”
Skinny Is Better Than Smart
Cultural Literacy
Cultural literacy?
Sitting in the break room, two college-aged young men were watching late-night reruns on TV. "Hey look, man," one says to the other, "Jennifer Aniston was in a TV show...."
26 Million Lady Gaga Fans Can't Be Wrong
I don’t do Twitter, but apparently other people do.
How is it that Ashton Kutcher has 11 million followers? Are there that many people with absolutely nothing to do? I mean, don’t they have cable?
Of course, Kutcher doesn’t have as many followers as Oprah (12 M), and the two of them together don’t have as many as Lady Gaga (26 M).
I just don’t get it. Justin Bieber has 24,000,000 followers and the Dalai Lama has just 66,000. I’ve never heard either of them sing, but I can’t imagine there’s that much difference.
Helicopters And Careers And Canfield
The two hospitals near me use helicopters for emergencies, so helicopters are flying overhead all the time. They are sleek and fast and perfectly designed for what they do, but I watched one land today. As it got close, as it slowed, it suddenly seemed bulky, awkward and ridiculously heavy.
It made me think of a fish on the sidewalk. In water, in its element, a fish is effective and efficient, successful. But take it out of the water, just a little way out of the water, and the fish
struggles, gives up, then dies. Eventually.
Sound familiar? Feel familiar?
Perhaps one reason so many people seem so unhappy with their careers is that they are not doing the work they are designed to do – they are not doing what they are naturally good at.
"What we must learn to do is invest most of our time every day, every week, in what we do best, and let others do what they do best," says Jack Canfield in The Power of Focus.
Otherwise, we feel bulky, awkward and ridiculously heavy.
Celebrity Not What It Used To Be, I Guess
At the ballpark, the JumboTron showed a black and white
yearbook photo of a young man, with Guess Who? written in big letters.
I had no idea who, and cared little, but I happened to look up just as they gave the answer.
Next to the old photo was a current color photo of a similar looking man and his name, Kid Rock.
And I still didn’t know. Who?
Poor Baseball Players
The baseball player on the radio was complaining about the logistics of his trade to a MLB team in a distant city. Last-minute travel was such a hassle, he said, rushing off to the airport with little time to prepare. He complained about having to stay in a hotel for several weeks while he found a suitable house in just the right suburb.
Now, here’s a young man making just under $2,000,000 a year. No matter where he lives, he is on the road for half of his professional season, which lasts only six months of the year, so how is one more first-class flight all that horrible? The poor guy has to somehow manage on more than $100 a day meal allowance. Isn’t that more than many Americans earn for working hard all day?
Next thing you know, he’ll be whining because he has to play baseball on Labor Day.
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